Thanksgiving Begins Today

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. --John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Today, I'm thankful for this guy right here. Every day I realize more and more how important he is to me and how much he means to me. I have trouble putting into words why, without dredging up some unpleasantness, but it's because of the rough patches we've weathered, that makes me grateful for his presence in my life. A presence that steadies me and comforts me.

A year ago, we hit our lowest point in our marriage. We both made mistakes, poor decisions and reacted badly to perceived wrongs. We broke each other's hearts with irrational arguments, angry, raised voices, harsh words, that lead to disengagement, and withdrawal. I was ready to call it quits. I was tired. 

But he refused to give up. He believed in us. Still believes in us, even when he knows I don't have the same resolve. He's helping me find that resolve again. Every time he makes me laugh. Every time he puts my needs first. Every time he gives me space. Every time he appreciates the things I do. Every time he thinks twice and reacts in a way I am still not accustomed to. Simple things to most, maybe, but huge in my eyes.

A year later, our marriage is far from perfect. I know there's no such thing. Couples can only strive for a strong marriage. If you had asked me earlier this year how much faith I had in us working things out, I would have said, "Not much, really." But as the year comes to a close, I can see more and more how much he's tried. How much he's changed.  When I need it, he gives me space. Sometimes he knows before I do that I need my me time. And though he knows why my heart remains heavy, he's the one who wipes my tears and holds me close. He exercises greater patience and just like when he first won me over, has just been there. So I've been asking myself more and more lately what's stopping me from trusting that this could work?

Maybe this is totally unrelated, but I recently clicked on "A Message from God" app on Facebook, something I rarely do. But on the rare occasions I do, the message is eerily fitting. On Friday, October 29, apparently God wanted to me to know:

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times. 

Happy Birthday, Pete

January 3. It's my ex-husband's birthday, and what would've been our 8th anniversary. We were married for ... March 2004 minus Jan 1998... almost 6 years. Wow. Seemed longer. Well we lived together for about a year before we got married. That's what must've made it feel longer. Okay, no. It felt longer because it was a mistake. Red flags all over the place that I totally ignored or believed would take care of themselves.

But it's in the past. He and I are actually okay friends now. I learned a lot about myself and for the most part, it wasn't a totally bad relationship. It's just neither one of us had a clue what the other needed or wanted from a marriage. Individually, we knew what we wanted, but trying to communicate that to the other person and work together was an exercise in futility.

I filed for divorce in November of 2003. It was finalized in March of 2004. I don't remember the exact date, and I don't know why I needed a ride from him, but I remember, he had to drop me off at the courthouse for the final dissolution hearing. He didn't contest the divorce, so he didn't need to be present, and my appearing before the judge was just a formality. She asked me a couple of questions and then declared the marriage dissolved. I remember walking out the courthouse relieved, I remember it was a bright, brisk day and I remember gazing in wonder at the sunny clarity of the day and feeling like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter. I felt free.

I also remember my older brother picking me up from the courthouse and taking me to his house because I didn't want to go home to my parents house just yet. I remember crying, how the tears just flowed freely as soon as I got in the car. I remember my nephew, Jaylen, barely four, saw me crying in his room and gave me a hug and a kiss and patted my shoulder while I sobbed like a baby. Even though I was free of a marriage that was never right, I still felt pain. It was like someone died. I was told it's normal to grieve for the loss of a marriage, so I grieved. I grieved for the loss of my idealism. My niavete. My innocence. Never again would I look at marriage through rose-colored glasses. I had wanted someone who would dream with me, set goals with me, succeed with me. Be my lover and partner and best friend. Someone who would cherish me, and celebrate me. I wanted someone I could respect, honor and adore. Someone I could count on and be there for in return. Someone to love with every fiber of my being without losing my own identity. I guess I was asking too much. That day, I learned to temper my needs and to believe what I wanted didn't exist.

While I harbor no ill will towards my ex-husband, I do feel like I wasted a lot of time trying to fix something that wasn't fixable. When I got divorced, I promised myself that I wouldn't waste more time than necessary, should I find myself again in a relationship that's not quite right. Some might call that a quitter's mentality. I don't know. I just know that having gone through what I did, I have a better idea of what works and what doesn't and life's too short to settle for what's not working for you.

In that regard, I feel bad for Gareth because he met me at my most jaded and cynical. I met him shortly before my divorce was final, I had no desire at the time to be serious with anyone let alone try marriage again, so we hung out. We became good friends. He was patient with me. Persistent, too. He knew I wasn't ready and he was well aware of my priorities, which, at the time, included taking care of my grandmother 5 nights a week. His persistence paid off because later that year, I began to see him in a different light.

He's aware of my personal philosophy about not wasting time on what doesn't work. I know it scares him. I honestly feel terrible about that. He fears I will find something wrong with our marriage that I won't be willing to work on for longer than I deem necessary. I don't know how to assuage his fears, because I honestly don't know if I can change how I feel. Some might say that's very selfish of me, while I believe it's simply self-preservation. Some might say it's a lack of trust & belief in marriage. I may be inclined to agree, since my personal experience and what I grew up observing haven't exactly instilled much confidence in the institute of marriage. Again, I feel bad that Gareth got me at my most jaded & cynical. But it's your own life experiences that mold you and so far this is the me I know and accept. But a girl can always hope,and that's all I can really promise.

Jaded as I am, I still believe in the joy of lasting love. However, while I'm not a vocal advocate, if I'm asked my opinion, I encourage women to wait til their 30s before making the ultimate commitment. I don't believe women truly know themselves until they're in their 30s. Hell, I'm 35 this year and I'm still defining myself. That's not to say you can't find love before your 30s. Far from it. But love & acceptance of yourself first is paramount to making any relationship work, be it friendship or marriage. So when you find that person you can respect, honor and adore, who not only accepts you for who you are but celebrates & cherishes you, then don't let anything or anyone stop you from grabbing hold and never letting go.