Thursday, September 28, 2006

Hunger for Something

I'm in one of my introspective moods. Then again, when am I not? I get contemplative when my soul hungers for something. Sometimes its for knowledge. Sometimes it's for beauty. Sometimes it's for both. Oftentimes we get too busy to allow ourselves to be moved by the simple beauty of words, the emotions they evoke, the images they inspire.

This has always been one of my favorite poems because it's the love I believe in. The love that brings two people together, but strengthens them as individuals.

Love One Another
~ Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet (1883-1931)

Love one another, but make not a bond of love
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping;
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

One of My Favorite Poems. Ever.

~ Pablo Neruda

I have scarcely left you
when you go in me, crystalline,
or trembling,
or uneasy, wounded by me
or overwhelmed with love, as when your eyes
close upon the gift of life
that without cease I give you.

My love,
we have found each other
thirsty and we have
drunk up all the water and the blood,
we found each other
and we bit each other
as fire bites,
leaving wounds in us.

But wait for me,
keep for me your sweetness.
I will give you too
a rose.

Each of Us Has a Personal Call to Greatness

"Each of us has a personal call to greatness -- and because yours is as unique to you as your fingerprints, no one can tell you what it is. Ignoring your passion is like dying a slow death. Your life is speaking to you every day, all the time--and your job is to listen up and find the clues. Passion whispers to you through your feelings, beckoning you toward your highest good. Pay attention to what makes you feel energized, connected, stimulated--what gives you're your juice. Do what you love, create a life of service that fulfills your reason for being here. When you do, you will do more than succeed. . .you will triumph."

When one of our HR consultants retired she sent us this excerpt as part of her goodbye email. It's a powerful message that I think needs to be shared with everyone. She retired to care for abandoned babies in Romania. She said she was answering a calling.

A lot of my frustrations career-wise have been because I'm not doing what I'm passionate about. I mean, c'mon. Who can be passionate about collecting taxes? What I do is repetitive, monotonous and just downright unmotivating. Luckily, I have some great coworkers who make every day fun and sometimes I'm inspired to find my own amusement in the stupid excuses taxpayers come up with.

It's a job, plain & simple, and I've already come to terms with the fact that it's not the right job for me. I just don't know anymore what my calling is. So I read this excerpt at least once a day and try to figure out what I'm passionate about. I remember as a young girl I wanted to become a teacher. Then as I got older, I wanted to become a journalist. Then I discovered a knack for computers. But nothing's clicked for me as far as something I want to dedicate my life doing.

How I came to be a revenue agent still bothers me. I just got on a stable track and stayed there, whether I liked what I did or not. My old coworkers who've gone on to field offices, agents I've trained, always ask me what I'm still doing at the same office, because there's no avenue of promotion within my office. I tell them honestly, I have no desire whatsoever to be field agent who'll only delve deeper into the unrewarding life of a tax hound.

Besides, my current office is 10 minutes from home & the work isn't unduly stressful as long as I keep your nose clean & fly under the radar. Unfortunately, since I've been dealing with my depression & am uninspired to do more than the bare minimum required, I've had missile lock on me, so it's gotten stressful. I'm very reluctant to give up the commute, but I think it's time for me to move on.

"Each of us has a personal call to greatness -- and because yours is as unique to you as your fingerprints, no one can tell you what it is. Ignoring your passion is like dying a slow death. Your life is speaking to you every day, all the time--and your job is to listen up and find the clues. Passion whispers to you through your feelings, beckoning you toward your highest good. Pay attention to what makes you feel energized, connected, stimulated--what gives you're your juice. Do what you love, create a life of service that fulfills your reason for being here. When you do, you will do more than succeed. . .you will triumph."

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

You Belong in Fall

Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times...

You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall brings

Whether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Conversations after Midnight

Out of the quiet, comforting darkness, I heard his voice softly whisper. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I whispered back, leaning back to snuggle closer to him. I felt his hand flex on my waist, pulling my body closer to his.

"Oh, baby, did I wake you?"


Saturday, September 09, 2006

Your Life Path Number is 8

Your purpose in life is to help others succeed

You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character.

You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money.

A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing.

In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance.

You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision.

Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless.

You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.

You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

My Birth Month is June

Your Birth Month is June

Peaceful and harmonious, you seek the gentle side of life.

Your warmth and consideration touches many.

Your soul reflects: Friendship, love, and beauty

Your gemstone: Pearl

Your flower: Rose

Your colors: Light blue, white, and cream

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Our First Anniversary

So here I am, back in Victoria B.C. It's our first anniversary. The DH is fast asleep. No, not because of me, though I probably shouldn't admit it. It was most likely the one & 1/2 strawberry margaritas he downed at dinner at Los Taquitos. I had the other 1/2. As always, that's more than enough for this lightweight. Then again, I'm not the one snoring away in the bedroom.

Hard to belive it's been 1 year since we said our "I do's." What's happened since then? Quite a bit. Gareth and I have had all in all a very good first year of marriage. Mostly good, with one major bad. Within a few weeks of our wedding we found out we were pregnant. A wonderful surprise since I honestly didn't think I could get pregnant. Unfortunately, within two months of finding out, we suffered a miscarriage, one we're no longer reeling from, but still dancing around. We've been trying to get pregnant again, but to no success so far. I guess it may help if I followed doctor's orders.

My sister-in-law believes I'm next in line to carry on the family tradition of bringing life into the world, when one of our own passes on. My grandfather passed away 2 weeks ago, and in the past, the family always seemed to welcome a new baby shortly after there's been a death in the family. My cousin Grace had Nikka when Lola Mamang passed. My Aunt Nora & Uncle Noel had Aris Macx when Lolo Baning passed away. My sister-in-law, Yvonne, herself got pregnant after 5 years of trying shortly after her great-grandmother passed away.

I should be so blessed. Mentally, I believe I'm ready. I get the maternal pangs every time I hold my niece or see a baby, in a picture or on the street. Financially, I have my normal concerns since we exist on two incomes, and when we have a baby I want to take some time off, but everyone tells me that takes care of itself in time. Physically, I'm my worst enemy. I have poly-cystic ovarian disease, and I'm supposed to be taking Metformin. Supposed to be. Meaning, I'm not. Meaning, maybe I'm not ready. My biggest fear is the possibility of going through that ordeal of losing a baby again.

It was the worst experience I'd had to endure. I was in a foreign country, far from family. My husband was with me, but we were here in Burnaby Canada because he had a speaking engagement. He couldn't get a hold of anyone to cancel, so he had to drop me off at the ER believing he could come right back. By the time he did, I was done. I had the procedure to "remove the evidence of spontaneous abortion." I still cringe when ever I hear loud sounds of suction, even though I've only heard it in the dentist office since.

What's ironic is my 2nd worst experience was here in Canada as well. Here in beautiful Victoria B.C. I was in a scooter accident, where a tourist shuttle bus clipped me and gave me a 6 inch gash in my left calf that required 32 stitches. Slow healing & infection later required a skin graft. I have a 5x4 crater in my calf, and a matching scar on my thigh to remind me to stay off scooters. The scar and my montly cramps should remind me Canada hasn't been such a lucky place for me.

Yet here I am in Victoria B.C. Home of the best & worst times of my life. We came here for our pre-honeymoon honeymoon weekend, a week after our wedding. We stayed at the Executive Towers in a room with a beautiful view of the parliament. This time, we're at the Royal Scot, where we had stayed when I had my scooter accident. Excorcising bad memories, I guess. We'll be excorcising more in October, another anniversary when we return to Burnaby for another speaking engagement. Maybe once we've replaced bad memories with good, I'll be ready to start taking Metformin.

Maybe one year from today, we'll be back at the Royal Scot with baby in tow.

We should be so blessed.

Friday, September 01, 2006

About Me

I am the epitome of contradiction. I'm shy and quiet, but bursting with things to say. I'm an introvert but I love attention and being around people. I'm more of an observer than a participant, but trust me to take the lead when a leader's needed. I may sound and appear conservative but I've been told that I could easily be a bleeding heart liberal. And I wasn't insulted. My spirit seeks adventure, but my soul revels in security and stability. I love learning new things, but I take comfort in what has always been.

I'm married to a film & game critic, whose 4 cats, Fable, Andy, Mulder & Eeyore, adopted me. We bought a house in Federal Way, and christened it "House of F.A.M.E." for the cats. Since we moved in, we lost Mulder, adopted Fox, added 2 'foster' cats Nemo & Tess (whom we'd keep forever if it were our choice) and were gifted one chihuahua, Mahal, which is Tagalog for love (& expensive). Of course, the additions threw off the House of FAME, althought I suggested we could re-christen the house "House of F.A.T.M.E.N." but Gareth nixed it. No kids in the picture yet. Our cats & chihuahua are enough for now.

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During the day, I work for the state. Three nights a week I'm a caregiver for my 92-year old grandmother. I'm also a part-time student trying to earn some accounting credits.

My heart lies in writing, though, and I've had my share of prodding & poking from friends & family to pursue what's in my heart. I'm not quite sure what's holding me back. I do know that I'm a natural procrastinator with a sometimes unhealthy supply of faith in the ideal that everything will take care of itself in its time. My fellow Filipinos will recognize this as our "Bahala na" gene.

I was born in the Philippines, the 2nd eldest of four & the only girl. Spoiled? Yes, in some ways. But as the only girl & the 2nd eldest, I think I had more than my share of responsibilities. I came to the states at 3 yrs of age, so you could also say I'm Americanized and I'd agree, in some ways. However, I still understand my native tongue & speak it when absolutely necessary. I honor my family's tradition of respecting & caring for its elders. I am devoted to family almost to a fault, but without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.