Gratitude

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~ Frederick Koenig

Attitude of Gratitude

Praise the bridge that carried you over. ~George Colnan

I Voted! Where's My Cookie?

I mailed my ballot in a week ago. I can tell you that was the easiest part of the process. I studied the voters' pamphlet and for each decision, I felt like I was just picking the lesser of two evils.

In spite of the mud-slinging circus elections have become, I am thankful for the right to vote and the systems in place to make it an accessible and unencumbered process for me. I know that is not the case in many countries and even some U.S. states. I'm proud to vote in the first state in the 20th century and the fifth state in the Union to enact women’s suffrage.

Washington State celebrates the centennial of women's suffrage this month. Check out http://www.washingtonwomenshistory.org/events/centennial.aspx for more information.

Thanksgiving Begins Today

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. --John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Today, I'm thankful for this guy right here. Every day I realize more and more how important he is to me and how much he means to me. I have trouble putting into words why, without dredging up some unpleasantness, but it's because of the rough patches we've weathered, that makes me grateful for his presence in my life. A presence that steadies me and comforts me.

A year ago, we hit our lowest point in our marriage. We both made mistakes, poor decisions and reacted badly to perceived wrongs. We broke each other's hearts with irrational arguments, angry, raised voices, harsh words, that lead to disengagement, and withdrawal. I was ready to call it quits. I was tired. 

But he refused to give up. He believed in us. Still believes in us, even when he knows I don't have the same resolve. He's helping me find that resolve again. Every time he makes me laugh. Every time he puts my needs first. Every time he gives me space. Every time he appreciates the things I do. Every time he thinks twice and reacts in a way I am still not accustomed to. Simple things to most, maybe, but huge in my eyes.

A year later, our marriage is far from perfect. I know there's no such thing. Couples can only strive for a strong marriage. If you had asked me earlier this year how much faith I had in us working things out, I would have said, "Not much, really." But as the year comes to a close, I can see more and more how much he's tried. How much he's changed.  When I need it, he gives me space. Sometimes he knows before I do that I need my me time. And though he knows why my heart remains heavy, he's the one who wipes my tears and holds me close. He exercises greater patience and just like when he first won me over, has just been there. So I've been asking myself more and more lately what's stopping me from trusting that this could work?

Maybe this is totally unrelated, but I recently clicked on "A Message from God" app on Facebook, something I rarely do. But on the rare occasions I do, the message is eerily fitting. On Friday, October 29, apparently God wanted to me to know:

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times. 

I Don't Understand. I Really Don't.

I was just bragging to a friend the other day about how well I've handled October this year. Every October, since 2005, I have struggled to get through this month, wishing away any gloom that threatened to overshadow the vibrant colors of my otherwise favorite time of year. This past October 8 was the 5th anniversary of my miscarriage and I felt like I was finally, just finally, working my way towards a healthier outlook on life. I felt more positive, I felt more at peace. I kept busy, focusing on my blessings and enjoying my haves rather than dwelling on my have-nots.

Then I read this story this morning.

Hoquiam man accused of assaulting baby - Crime Reports - The Olympian - Olympia, Washington

The baby was only 5 months old, and for some reason this man thought nothing about picking her up by her neck. A grown man. Her father. I remember taking a deep breath and willing myself to remain calm, but my heart just started pounding and I felt myself start shaking. I was at work, reading the news on my phone. I had to put my phone down and run to the rest room, I thought I was going to be sick. But I was able to talk myself through it and calm down. I left my phone alone the rest of the day and concentrated on work.

When I got home, I finally checked my phone again out of habit. I checked on my friends and family on Facebook, then checked my KOMO News app for the latest headlines. This story caught my eye:

Baby killed after interrupting mom's Facebook time

A young mom got so angry at her  baby for crying while she played Farmville on Facebook, shook the baby hard. Twice. The second time AFTER having a smoke and "composing" herself. 

For the second time today I felt my blood pressure spike.  There was a roar in my ears and angry curse words rolled off my tongue. I have never felt such anger, disgust and venom towards a stranger before in my life. I'm pretty sure if I this woman had been in front of me she would have been a lifeless heap within seconds. The rage I felt  was overwhelming and gave way to tears and sobs.  I let my guard down and was soon awash in despair and helplessness. 

I don't understand. I really don't understand anymore. How are these people allowed to procreate? Why do they get blessed by the privilege of bringing a life into this crazy world? Why? Why them? How do they not even realize how lucky they are? They were entrusted with life's most precious gift and had no regard whatsoever for that honor. I am so tired of the unfairness of it all. I don't even have the energy any more to shake my fists at the sky, literally or figuratively. 

And so I don't escape this October unscathed. I had my annual meltdown. Gareth tried to comfort me the best he could, but I'm sure he still feels the pain as keenly as I do. It's just easier to escape into video games and movies. Me? I had my baking tonight to focus on. I'll try to find something else to focus on for the rest of this month. Thank goodness there are only 3 days left in it. 

Yes, things like these make me question my faith. Yes, things like these make me angry at God. There, I admit it. But still I pray for the baby in Hoquiam. I pray for the soul of the baby who died in Florida. I still pray for the one I lost 5 years ago. I pray the children out there who deserve so much better and I pray for the women and men who desperately want to be parents.  I pray for me. I pray for Gareth.

Maybe one day my prayers will be answered. 

Maybe one day I'll understand. 

Child of the Moon

Born under the cancer sign, I am a moonchild. My moods seem to be governed by the moon phases, for when I see a full moon, that is when I feel my most content and happy. A new moon, one I cannot see, seems to coincide with the days I feel my most restless and out of sorts.

I've never been one to follow astrology and horoscopes, but when I read descriptions of my sign, they rarely miss the mark. I'm a big fan of relaxation and satisfaction. I am emotional and I'm my happiest when my surroundings are comfortable, and my bitchiest when my environment isn't to my liking. I'm strongly attracted to water and find peace and spiritual recharge when I am within sight of large bodies of water.

Though I'm reluctant to admit it, my mood swings can be extreme. Nothing thrills me more than sweet words and nothing cuts deeper than unkind words. My family is of the utmost importance to me and while I'm friendly, I do not make friends easily. But when I do welcome someone into my world, they become a permanent part of my world.

The connection between my mood and moon phases was probably apparent to everyone (who knows well) but me. I can be kind of oblivious that way. I prefer carefree, but that's not quite accurate. I guess selectively ignorant is probably the better term. I'm sure the correlation will be stronger now that I'm looking for it. So, according to this month's calendar, you and I will like me best around the 21st through the 24th.

Confidential to those who would die for that

It took me awhile to work up the nerve to watch this video. I've been going through a terrible funk because we're just about at the end of the road in our quest to get pregnant. Unless we win the lotto or something. Yesterday I had my biggest meltdown after learning two of my coworkers were pregnant. I was thrilled for one especially, knowing how much she'd gone through to make her dream come true. We saw the same specialist and gave each other updates on our progress. I held steady until I got into the car after work and Gareth asked me how my day was. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying the whole hour long commute home. Had a longer, louder cry at home, but it hasn't totally left my system yet.

So, to my friends in the same boat, I'm there with you. I am incredibly emotional. I cry at the drop of the hat. I am irrationally angry. I battle every day with feelings of resentment and hopelessness. I am completely frustrated and so very confused. This nearly 5 year journey has taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. At this point our options are limited to the very invasive procedures or adopting. Both are equally expensive, so they're not even really options for us.

So...yeah. I'm a mess. My poor husband doesn't know how to deal with me anymore. It's to the point where I sometimes can't even decide if I'm with him because I love him or because I still need him to father a child with me. Does that even make sense? All I know now is I need professional help mentally. I can't keep going around depressed and moody and resentful. I keep reminding myself to be grateful for what I do have and make peace with what I can't have. But man it's hard.

Thanks to my friends, those I know "in real life" and those I may never meet out there in the world wide web of infertility, for reaching out and sharing your pain with me. I have very few friends who can empathize much less actually relate. It's hard to explain to girlfriends who are mothers what it's like to feel incomplete & unfulfilled. This video spoke to me on several different levels. I'll pray for peace, acceptance & strength for all of us.

Afraid

I've been afraid to write for a while. Maybe because I'm afraid of where my thoughts will lead. But if we are what we repeatedly do, I'm not a writer, because I've been avoiding it like the plague. No one wants to face their demons, but I think I'm getting close to facing mine. I'm wound just a little bit too tight these days and yet I feel more than slightly unhinged. Does that make sense?

I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating right. I'd rather hole up in my room and shut the world out. Depressed? Most likely. Despondent? Definitely. Lost? Yeah. Uncertain? Yep. When I'm stressed, I'm like the crab that represents my astrological sign. I curl into myself and hope my shell protects me.

But if you ask me what's wrong, I couldn't tell you. Sometimes I feel like I've been singing the same song every day for the past 5 years. No one wants to hear it anymore. Even I'm sick of it. And yet, there's daily brilliance and happiness that dot my days. So much hope for the future. So much potential to embrace. Change is afoot and I usually find change exciting. I just wish more of it could break through my shell.

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”

2009 Genevieve's Choice Awards

1) DRINKING BUDDIES OF THE YEAR -
My BFFs Ruth, Aileen & Yvonne, plus my cousin Joseph. Even though the one who really drank was Joseph. We just enjoyed plying him with alcohol and posing for pictures with bottles of alcohol in our hands.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friends) -
My BFFs since high school are Ruth, Aileen & Yvonne, so they'll always win this award every year. I suppose I should rename this category "Honorary GRAY Member" which this year would go to my cousin Joseph.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD (newest friends) -
I have to say that 2009 was easier to handle with the help of my coworkers Christine G., Malia & Rajeana. As much as I appreciate where I work, without these partners in crime, my days at work would be simply long & arduous.

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
Ending it on a high point.

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
Almost ending it on a low point.

6) BEST HOLIDAY IN 2009?
New Year's Eve. It was a simple family affair at my parents', but I got to witness my nephews, Gareth and Yvonne dancing to Rayman's Raving Rabbid.

7) YOUR SONG FOR 2009
Ugh. I have to pick just one? I listened to a lot of Sara Bareilles this year, but the song with lyrics that resonated at the end of this year is Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone." But if it's just pure, unadulterated fun? BEP's "Boom Boom Pow", Shakira's "She Wolf", Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." LoL..

8) MOVIE FOR 2009?
The one I looked forward to the most? Harry Potter. The one that made me cry? UP. The most visually pleasing? Avatar.

9) WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Got together with my BFFs and then had a birthday breakfast with Gareth, my parents, Auntie Gay & Uncle Ben, Kuya, Yvonne & my nephews.

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
My husband. Oh, and my mother-in-law..LoL. We went to Moclips Ocean Crest Resort. Beautiful & relaxing, even with the snow and crashing wave 100 feet below our room.

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
I reconnected with some old friends this year, and to be able to pick up where we'd left off has been truly gratifying.

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
Me. I don't dress up for Halloween.

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
Any good Thai restaurant works for me, but Thai Bistro is the closest & has such a relaxing ambiance.

14) BOOK OF THE YEAR?
Wow. Can't think of one that stood out this year. I really did not read many new books this year. Sad.

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
To rid my life of unhealthy distractions and focus on only the good.

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR 2010?
Travel a little more. Write a little more. Make date nights really count. Work on the house.

17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK..
I get enough stupid ideas without drinking. If I did get drunk, the stupidest idea would be to drive. Second would be to text someone. Have you not seen TextFromLastNight.com?

18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
I still love The Office, and enjoy what I call the "surrounding" shows: Parks & Rec, Community, 30 Rock. I just started Netflixing "How I Met Your Mother" before the end of the year and I really like it. But my guilty pleasure is still SYTYCD.

19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
Gareth tops my list, as well as my brothers. As far as non-relatives, my BFFs...even though technically two of them are related by marriage.

20) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR!
My cell phone number. I've had that number for a long time. But with the new year comes new beginnings.

21) BIGGEST RETARD AWARD?
Kanye West.

22) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
As always, to take better care of myself and appreciate my loved ones more.