Monday, November 01, 2010

Thanksgiving Begins Today

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. --John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Today, I'm thankful for this guy right here. Every day I realize more and more how important he is to me and how much he means to me. I have trouble putting into words why, without dredging up some unpleasantness, but it's because of the rough patches we've weathered, that makes me grateful for his presence in my life. A presence that steadies me and comforts me.

A year ago, we hit our lowest point in our marriage. We both made mistakes, poor decisions and reacted badly to perceived wrongs. We broke each other's hearts with irrational arguments, angry, raised voices, harsh words, that lead to disengagement, and withdrawal. I was ready to call it quits. I was tired. 

But he refused to give up. He believed in us. Still believes in us, even when he knows I don't have the same resolve. He's helping me find that resolve again. Every time he makes me laugh. Every time he puts my needs first. Every time he gives me space. Every time he appreciates the things I do. Every time he thinks twice and reacts in a way I am still not accustomed to. Simple things to most, maybe, but huge in my eyes.

A year later, our marriage is far from perfect. I know there's no such thing. Couples can only strive for a strong marriage. If you had asked me earlier this year how much faith I had in us working things out, I would have said, "Not much, really." But as the year comes to a close, I can see more and more how much he's tried. How much he's changed.  When I need it, he gives me space. Sometimes he knows before I do that I need my me time. And though he knows why my heart remains heavy, he's the one who wipes my tears and holds me close. He exercises greater patience and just like when he first won me over, has just been there. So I've been asking myself more and more lately what's stopping me from trusting that this could work?

Maybe this is totally unrelated, but I recently clicked on "A Message from God" app on Facebook, something I rarely do. But on the rare occasions I do, the message is eerily fitting. On Friday, October 29, apparently God wanted to me to know:
... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times. 

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