Friday, October 29, 2010

I Don't Understand. I Really Don't.

I was just bragging to a friend the other day about how well I've handled October this year. Every October, since 2005, I have struggled to get through this month, wishing away any gloom that threatened to overshadow the vibrant colors of my otherwise favorite time of year. This past October 8 was the 5th anniversary of my miscarriage and I felt like I was finally, just finally, working my way towards a healthier outlook on life. I felt more positive, I felt more at peace. I kept busy, focusing on my blessings and enjoying my haves rather than dwelling on my have-nots.

Then I read this story this morning.

Hoquiam man accused of assaulting baby - Crime Reports - The Olympian - Olympia, Washington

The baby was only 5 months old, and for some reason this man thought nothing about picking her up by her neck. A grown man. Her father. I remember taking a deep breath and willing myself to remain calm, but my heart just started pounding and I felt myself start shaking. I was at work, reading the news on my phone. I had to put my phone down and run to the rest room, I thought I was going to be sick. But I was able to talk myself through it and calm down. I left my phone alone the rest of the day and concentrated on work.

When I got home, I finally checked my phone again out of habit. I checked on my friends and family on Facebook, then checked my KOMO News app for the latest headlines. This story caught my eye:

Baby killed after interrupting mom's Facebook time

A young mom got so angry at her  baby for crying while she played Farmville on Facebook, shook the baby hard. Twice. The second time AFTER having a smoke and "composing" herself. 

For the second time today I felt my blood pressure spike.  There was a roar in my ears and angry curse words rolled off my tongue. I have never felt such anger, disgust and venom towards a stranger before in my life. I'm pretty sure if I this woman had been in front of me she would have been a lifeless heap within seconds. The rage I felt  was overwhelming and gave way to tears and sobs.  I let my guard down and was soon awash in despair and helplessness. 

I don't understand. I really don't understand anymore. How are these people allowed to procreate? Why do they get blessed by the privilege of bringing a life into this crazy world? Why? Why them? How do they not even realize how lucky they are? They were entrusted with life's most precious gift and had no regard whatsoever for that honor. I am so tired of the unfairness of it all. I don't even have the energy any more to shake my fists at the sky, literally or figuratively. 

And so I don't escape this October unscathed. I had my annual meltdown. Gareth tried to comfort me the best he could, but I'm sure he still feels the pain as keenly as I do. It's just easier to escape into video games and movies. Me? I had my baking tonight to focus on. I'll try to find something else to focus on for the rest of this month. Thank goodness there are only 3 days left in it. 

Yes, things like these make me question my faith. Yes, things like these make me angry at God. There, I admit it. But still I pray for the baby in Hoquiam. I pray for the soul of the baby who died in Florida. I still pray for the one I lost 5 years ago. I pray the children out there who deserve so much better and I pray for the women and men who desperately want to be parents.  I pray for me. I pray for Gareth.

Maybe one day my prayers will be answered. 

Maybe one day I'll understand. 

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