Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Confidential to those who would die for that

It took me awhile to work up the nerve to watch this video. I've been going through a terrible funk because we're just about at the end of the road in our quest to get pregnant. Unless we win the lotto or something. Yesterday I had my biggest meltdown after learning two of my coworkers were pregnant. I was thrilled for one especially, knowing how much she'd gone through to make her dream come true. We saw the same specialist and gave each other updates on our progress. I held steady until I got into the car after work and Gareth asked me how my day was. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying the whole hour long commute home. Had a longer, louder cry at home, but it hasn't totally left my system yet.

So, to my friends in the same boat, I'm there with you. I am incredibly emotional. I cry at the drop of the hat. I am irrationally angry. I battle every day with feelings of resentment and hopelessness. I am completely frustrated and so very confused. This nearly 5 year journey has taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. At this point our options are limited to the very invasive procedures or adopting. Both are equally expensive, so they're not even really options for us.

So...yeah. I'm a mess. My poor husband doesn't know how to deal with me anymore. It's to the point where I sometimes can't even decide if I'm with him because I love him or because I still need him to father a child with me. Does that even make sense? All I know now is I need professional help mentally. I can't keep going around depressed and moody and resentful. I keep reminding myself to be grateful for what I do have and make peace with what I can't have. But man it's hard.

Thanks to my friends, those I know "in real life" and those I may never meet out there in the world wide web of infertility, for reaching out and sharing your pain with me. I have very few friends who can empathize much less actually relate. It's hard to explain to girlfriends who are mothers what it's like to feel incomplete & unfulfilled. This video spoke to me on several different levels. I'll pray for peace, acceptance & strength for all of us.

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