Child of the Moon

Born under the cancer sign, I am a moonchild. My moods seem to be governed by the moon phases, for when I see a full moon, that is when I feel my most content and happy. A new moon, one I cannot see, seems to coincide with the days I feel my most restless and out of sorts.

I've never been one to follow astrology and horoscopes, but when I read descriptions of my sign, they rarely miss the mark. I'm a big fan of relaxation and satisfaction. I am emotional and I'm my happiest when my surroundings are comfortable, and my bitchiest when my environment isn't to my liking. I'm strongly attracted to water and find peace and spiritual recharge when I am within sight of large bodies of water.

Though I'm reluctant to admit it, my mood swings can be extreme. Nothing thrills me more than sweet words and nothing cuts deeper than unkind words. My family is of the utmost importance to me and while I'm friendly, I do not make friends easily. But when I do welcome someone into my world, they become a permanent part of my world.

The connection between my mood and moon phases was probably apparent to everyone (who knows well) but me. I can be kind of oblivious that way. I prefer carefree, but that's not quite accurate. I guess selectively ignorant is probably the better term. I'm sure the correlation will be stronger now that I'm looking for it. So, according to this month's calendar, you and I will like me best around the 21st through the 24th.

Confidential to those who would die for that

It took me awhile to work up the nerve to watch this video. I've been going through a terrible funk because we're just about at the end of the road in our quest to get pregnant. Unless we win the lotto or something. Yesterday I had my biggest meltdown after learning two of my coworkers were pregnant. I was thrilled for one especially, knowing how much she'd gone through to make her dream come true. We saw the same specialist and gave each other updates on our progress. I held steady until I got into the car after work and Gareth asked me how my day was. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying the whole hour long commute home. Had a longer, louder cry at home, but it hasn't totally left my system yet.

So, to my friends in the same boat, I'm there with you. I am incredibly emotional. I cry at the drop of the hat. I am irrationally angry. I battle every day with feelings of resentment and hopelessness. I am completely frustrated and so very confused. This nearly 5 year journey has taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. At this point our options are limited to the very invasive procedures or adopting. Both are equally expensive, so they're not even really options for us.

So...yeah. I'm a mess. My poor husband doesn't know how to deal with me anymore. It's to the point where I sometimes can't even decide if I'm with him because I love him or because I still need him to father a child with me. Does that even make sense? All I know now is I need professional help mentally. I can't keep going around depressed and moody and resentful. I keep reminding myself to be grateful for what I do have and make peace with what I can't have. But man it's hard.

Thanks to my friends, those I know "in real life" and those I may never meet out there in the world wide web of infertility, for reaching out and sharing your pain with me. I have very few friends who can empathize much less actually relate. It's hard to explain to girlfriends who are mothers what it's like to feel incomplete & unfulfilled. This video spoke to me on several different levels. I'll pray for peace, acceptance & strength for all of us.

Afraid

I've been afraid to write for a while. Maybe because I'm afraid of where my thoughts will lead. But if we are what we repeatedly do, I'm not a writer, because I've been avoiding it like the plague. No one wants to face their demons, but I think I'm getting close to facing mine. I'm wound just a little bit too tight these days and yet I feel more than slightly unhinged. Does that make sense?

I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating right. I'd rather hole up in my room and shut the world out. Depressed? Most likely. Despondent? Definitely. Lost? Yeah. Uncertain? Yep. When I'm stressed, I'm like the crab that represents my astrological sign. I curl into myself and hope my shell protects me.

But if you ask me what's wrong, I couldn't tell you. Sometimes I feel like I've been singing the same song every day for the past 5 years. No one wants to hear it anymore. Even I'm sick of it. And yet, there's daily brilliance and happiness that dot my days. So much hope for the future. So much potential to embrace. Change is afoot and I usually find change exciting. I just wish more of it could break through my shell.

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”

2009 Genevieve's Choice Awards

1) DRINKING BUDDIES OF THE YEAR -
My BFFs Ruth, Aileen & Yvonne, plus my cousin Joseph. Even though the one who really drank was Joseph. We just enjoyed plying him with alcohol and posing for pictures with bottles of alcohol in our hands.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friends) -
My BFFs since high school are Ruth, Aileen & Yvonne, so they'll always win this award every year. I suppose I should rename this category "Honorary GRAY Member" which this year would go to my cousin Joseph.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD (newest friends) -
I have to say that 2009 was easier to handle with the help of my coworkers Christine G., Malia & Rajeana. As much as I appreciate where I work, without these partners in crime, my days at work would be simply long & arduous.

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
Ending it on a high point.

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
Almost ending it on a low point.

6) BEST HOLIDAY IN 2009?
New Year's Eve. It was a simple family affair at my parents', but I got to witness my nephews, Gareth and Yvonne dancing to Rayman's Raving Rabbid.

7) YOUR SONG FOR 2009
Ugh. I have to pick just one? I listened to a lot of Sara Bareilles this year, but the song with lyrics that resonated at the end of this year is Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone." But if it's just pure, unadulterated fun? BEP's "Boom Boom Pow", Shakira's "She Wolf", Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." LoL..

8) MOVIE FOR 2009?
The one I looked forward to the most? Harry Potter. The one that made me cry? UP. The most visually pleasing? Avatar.

9) WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Got together with my BFFs and then had a birthday breakfast with Gareth, my parents, Auntie Gay & Uncle Ben, Kuya, Yvonne & my nephews.

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
My husband. Oh, and my mother-in-law..LoL. We went to Moclips Ocean Crest Resort. Beautiful & relaxing, even with the snow and crashing wave 100 feet below our room.

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
I reconnected with some old friends this year, and to be able to pick up where we'd left off has been truly gratifying.

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
Me. I don't dress up for Halloween.

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
Any good Thai restaurant works for me, but Thai Bistro is the closest & has such a relaxing ambiance.

14) BOOK OF THE YEAR?
Wow. Can't think of one that stood out this year. I really did not read many new books this year. Sad.

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
To rid my life of unhealthy distractions and focus on only the good.

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR 2010?
Travel a little more. Write a little more. Make date nights really count. Work on the house.

17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK..
I get enough stupid ideas without drinking. If I did get drunk, the stupidest idea would be to drive. Second would be to text someone. Have you not seen TextFromLastNight.com?

18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
I still love The Office, and enjoy what I call the "surrounding" shows: Parks & Rec, Community, 30 Rock. I just started Netflixing "How I Met Your Mother" before the end of the year and I really like it. But my guilty pleasure is still SYTYCD.

19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
Gareth tops my list, as well as my brothers. As far as non-relatives, my BFFs...even though technically two of them are related by marriage.

20) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR!
My cell phone number. I've had that number for a long time. But with the new year comes new beginnings.

21) BIGGEST RETARD AWARD?
Kanye West.

22) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
As always, to take better care of myself and appreciate my loved ones more.